Sunday, April 16, 2006

Conflict

Disclaimer: Might just be riding the PMS train...

I'm having a bit of an internal conflict. Just got home from Lampasas, TX where I had a great 2 day shoot at Al Solomon's ranch. He is the sculptor that did a Limestone bust of me..And I finally got to take her home!!!!

I drove out there with a fantastic photographer and had a great time. We did a pretty gritty editorial series.......When I get the photo's I'll post some. We shot some Helmut Newtonesque images. Good stuff.

During the shoot my photographer said he enjoyed shooting my " womanly" & "matured" figure. That sounded like code for plump,old and out-of-shape. WTF? I work out hard, watch what I eat and am a size 6-8...I'm KNOW I'm not Kate Moss and I'm also over 30(Grrrrrr)...But I just hated hearing those words. Instantly it kinda bummed me out and Yes,I KNOW I'm not fheavy and I'm in shape but why do I feel the need to compare myself to those 20-somethings with the perfect figures? Why can't I be happy with what God gave me? Why do we always want that which is just beyond our reach?

The photographer said " Part of what makes a woman so sexy is having a attainable quality. Who wants a girl that is completely unattainable and plastic?" Interesting stuff to think about.
The sculptor made a point of pulling me aside and stating that he selected me because I have curves/lines and that this is what makes for a good art model. He said" do you think I want a draw a "stick figure"? Yes...I mean...I guess not.

Self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's an on going internal battle-saga for everyone, especially hard if you used to be overweight and were made fun of for years and years... Kids are so fucking cruel. I'm 80% happy with my body but there is still a vulnerable fat girl inside of me who is terrified of going backwards. I may never fully get over my past and perhaps I'm not supposed to.

Guess I'm just having a silly insecure moment...Jeez...I'm so human.


Trojan

17 comments:

Gone Home said...

I understand the ever-present insecurity. But be confident - you look fabulous. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with having curves or looking like a woman! :)

Kate Michele said...

Ok frist girl I am a twenty something and I don't look near as good as you!! You look great... And I totally understand the insecurity, I to was heavy for my child hood and got terribly made fun of and even family members told me I should watch my weight or no man would want me... no joke my grandma told me that when I was around eleven!! Now I'm still not a stick figure but as an adult I can pull my size 12 body off as voluptous and curvy...lol.... I had a little eating disorder my senior year and the year after. When Chad and I got married I was down to a size 4!!! I didn't look so hot... Really my cheeks were suken in and it didn't look "natural" on me, ya know? Now I just look healthier and Chad loves me with "a little meat on my bones"... Back to my point, sorry I'm rambling that sugar thing ya know, anyways even when I was a size 4 when I looked in the mirror I still saw a Chubby heavy girl, Even now there are times when I think I look heavier than I really am..... When you grow up heavy and hear all the mean fuckin things people say it stays with you...But I also think it makes you stronger!!

Sorry I rambled...... The sugar is just racing through me heheh Its the only thing that got me through Easter with the family since there was no Alcohol!!!!

Trojan said...

Kate you rock.....

I got down to a size 4 about 3 years ago...my friends told me it looked bad and I was unhappy and tired. Guess I'm just PMS'ing...

When you see nude photo's of yourself there are just sooo many imperfections staring back at you...it can be overwhelming...but I am stronger having been put through the "ringer"...

thanks for your post...you seriously made me feel better!

:)

Heavin' said...

A friend of mine always tells his wife that 'Bones are for the dog. Meat is for the man.' I've come to realize that he is right. I would take what the photographer said as a compliment. He's probably tired of taking pics of flat chested, no booty, toothpick airheads.

I had a similiar moment yesterday. I was at the orientation for my tri-training group and we were trying on bike jerseys to order. I started at medium and worked my way down. When I tried on the XS, one of the coaches told me that it fit perfectly. When I went to order it, I had 3 of the other coaches as me if I was sure/did I try on the XS. I was seriously annoyed by the time the third person asked. And honestly, I'm not an extra small, but the sizing was obviously either mens or seriously off. Not my problem, but it still bothered me for some reason.

Trojan said...

Heavin...

Yep...off sizing can really bother me too. BTW I'd say your a small...I think you have a nice tight frame and i'm a bit envious:)

Good luck with the race training....any cute guys?..hehe

Polyman2 said...

You look fine to me.

PlaysByEar said...

Since you are a nude model, everybody assumes that you are very comfortable with your body image. That's why your photographer was so free with his conversation, and he probably doesn't know he stirred up any emotions in you and I'm sure he didn't intend to.

Count yourself lucky; I will never have the body for nude modeling. It's the rare occasion that you'll even see me with my shirt off.

Trojan said...

Poly....

Squeezin...nude modeling is tough...but rewarding too.

your right..he probably did think i was comfortable..and to be honest...was not exactly a wordsmith.

mike said...

Sigh...As someone who has never been comfortable with his own body, I really admire the young (and not so young) Chiquitas (sp?)downtown. Who wear clothes that they definitely don't fit all the way into, and flaunt it like they are the hottest babes around. Oh well. If anyone here could do a Vulcan mind meld with you and let you see yourself through other's eyes, you'd feel quite different about yourself. But that can't heppen and you just accept what others tell you, or not.

BTExpress said...

Yes you are having a silly insecure moment. You look fantastic!

bronxbt said...

Sweetie...

AS AN ARTIST, a past sculpturist, and a current fine artist of the human form: LISTEN TO ME.

Take a pen or a pencil and a piece of paper. Whether left or right handed, draw a circle. Now, at the base of that circle, draw a straight line down to the bottom of the page.

What have you done?, you may ask...

You've just DRAWN Kate Moss, and about 90% of the other subejects that cover every catalog, poster and big screen.

How F**king boring is that?

Now, take that same pencil, and jot down some addresses of local or national museums and visit them. (okay, or peruse the internet.. muuuuuch easier)

Search for "Romanesque" and other key words. You'll reveal the amazing and incredibly beautiful HUMAN FIGURE. Male and Female.

You'll never be happy with how you look. I know this because every single model or actor I knew/know hates themselves for trying to be something they're not.

Screw labels, screw expectations. You are perfect, (or getting there in your eyes potentially) and you need to look beyond what folks may refer to you as, or how you may choose to label yourself as. So, you're over 30? SO WHAT? Look at what you're DOING with your life!? Experimenting in amazing and daring photoshoots, exploring exposure in print/art/film/and more?

My gawd woman, you're amazing, and real... how many twigs like you just drew out there in the media can say that too?

The most amazing advice a mentor of mine gave me once sticks true to most situations - perhaps yours too:

ALWAYS TAKE TIME TO STEP BACK AND ADMIRE YOUR WORK....

you've got a ton to admire... and thanks to your bravery, so do we.

hugs, B

Rafael said...

In one of his books, my swim coach said that perfection is always just barely out of reach, because once you reach it, it becomes obsolete and imperfect. It’s a paraphrase of what he wrote, but I think it’s true. If you didn’t strive for something better, then why bother doing anything? There’s always a little bit better, just barely out of reach. Reaching for that is what makes things fun. Of course, there’s always a limit, but that’s a topic for my own blog :-)

Rafael said...

Oh yeah, and he was complimenting you. There’s nothing more attractive than a womanly figure. Kate Moss might be fine to look at, but I wouldn’t want to take her coke sniffing bony ass home.

MB said...

Trojan, A large reason you feel like you are/will never be "perfect" is because society is literally bombarded from chilhood with images of unattainability. With ad campaigns like Victorias Secret's "What is Sexy?" as an adult and skinny Barbie Dolls as a little girl. (see He-Man and G.I. Joe for other Gender) These images are so reinforced through the younger years (Junior High and High School) that is is unfortunately sewn into our very moral fabric. The great part is there is a genre of advertising for now matter how "skinny" you are. If you are too skinny there is advertising letting you know you should have more "curves." If you have some curves, there is a multi-billion dollar ad campaign suggesting you should look like some waif who spews her lunch everyday.

What is sexy?

Sexy is a self-confident, happy with herself, damn what society thinks, woman who can see the machine for what it is.

I think you need to get laid, you'll feel better. (worked for me recently...woo-hoo!!)

:-)

Trojan said...

Yeah...it's been way to long..slim pickings. good idea..i need sex.

BH said...

Girlie, I had a friend in Milwaukee who was a fashion photographer. He did some shots of me and I was horrified (and this is when I was a lot smaller than I am now). He simply put his arms around me and said, "Do you know why I like you? I photograph skinny bitches all day long. They are miserable because they are constantly hungry and generally just bitches. When I come home, the last thing I want to see is more bones. You have gorgeous curves that make you sensual and hugging you is like hugging a teddy bear with muscles. Plus, you're a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with and when we go out you will actually eat." I dunno. Somehow at the time it made it all better.

Summer said...

I can't even begin to compare with what some of the people have said here, so I won't even try. They've reaffirmed exactly what I believe...that you're a gorgeous sensual woman.

A friend and lover once said to me after he saw a photograph (that I thought wasn't so great) that he can get on the internet and look at "beautiful" women all day, but that I was real and that made my photograph 100% better.