Disclaimer: Might just be riding the PMS train...
I'm having a bit of an internal conflict. Just got home from Lampasas, TX where I had a great 2 day shoot at Al Solomon's ranch. He is the sculptor that did a Limestone bust of me..And I finally got to take her home!!!!
I drove out there with a fantastic photographer and had a great time. We did a pretty gritty editorial series.......When I get the photo's I'll post some. We shot some Helmut Newtonesque images. Good stuff.
During the shoot my photographer said he enjoyed shooting my " womanly" & "matured" figure. That sounded like code for plump,old and out-of-shape. WTF? I work out hard, watch what I eat and am a size 6-8...I'm KNOW I'm not Kate Moss and I'm also over 30(Grrrrrr)...But I just hated hearing those words. Instantly it kinda bummed me out and Yes,I KNOW I'm not fheavy and I'm in shape but why do I feel the need to compare myself to those 20-somethings with the perfect figures? Why can't I be happy with what God gave me? Why do we always want that which is just beyond our reach?
The photographer said " Part of what makes a woman so sexy is having a attainable quality. Who wants a girl that is completely unattainable and plastic?" Interesting stuff to think about.
The sculptor made a point of pulling me aside and stating that he selected me because I have curves/lines and that this is what makes for a good art model. He said" do you think I want a draw a "stick figure"? Yes...I mean...I guess not.
Self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's an on going internal battle-saga for everyone, especially hard if you used to be overweight and were made fun of for years and years... Kids are so fucking cruel. I'm 80% happy with my body but there is still a vulnerable fat girl inside of me who is terrified of going backwards. I may never fully get over my past and perhaps I'm not supposed to.
Guess I'm just having a silly insecure moment...Jeez...I'm so human.